The Poop Chronicles

How come no one told me that as a parent I would be knee deep in poop for at least two to three years?

First off, let me preface this post with a warning. If you are especially squeamish, then please do not read this. If stories of poop make you want to throw up, then I would strongly urge you to reconsider parenting altogether. If you are already a parent, but the smell (and touch) of poop turns your stomach, then you are probably like me. Also, like me, you are probably screwed.

poop emoji

Since becoming a parent, I have dealt with several types of disasters involving poop, which is also commonly called feces. I have cleaned so much poop, in fact, that I have developed threat levels and methods for being prepared to clean poop at all times. So much so that I am pretty sure I’m qualified to dispose of waste for medical facilities. I mean, I don’t know what their qualifications are, but I’m pretty sure I come close to being able to do the job.

For example, today I experienced a low-level poop disaster. This is where the poop is contained, it’s baby or toddler poop, and we are at home. This way I have all the tools necessary to dispose of the poop. For instance, today one of the twins pooped in the tub. That is easy. Just get the twins out of the tub, remove the poop, clean the tub again, and start the bathing process over.
Moderate-level poop disasters are awful, but they can be manageable if you are prepared. These poop disasters occur when you are not home, but you are still dealing with baby or toddler poop. Through trial and error, I have learned to carry a few additional items in my children’s diaper bag. Everyone knows to carry your standard items in the diaper bag, such as a change of clothes, snacks or bottles, diapers or training pants, and baby wipes. In case of moderate-level poop disasters, you also need to carry gallon-sized zip lock bags, hand sanitizer, and disinfectant wipes. Just in case one of your kids blows a load out of their diaper or training pants, you will be prepared to contain the poopy outfit in the zip lock bag, disinfect any surfaces that the poop touched, and baby wipe and sanitize your, and the afflicted child’s, hands.

High-level poop disasters are the most disastrous of all kinds. This is where you are out of house and the poop that is question is not the baby or toddler’s. For instance, recently I was at an art festival and my teenaged daughter rolled the stroller through a big steaming pile of large animal poop. I am not completely sure if it was horse or large dog poop. I did not thoroughly inspect it. I did, however, accidentally step in it myself. When high-level poop disasters occur I recommend containment and delegation. This is the perfect time to determine how much your significant other really loves you and the children. I’m not saying this is the right method for everyone, but this is what works for me. After rolling and stepping in the mysterious poop, I handed my husband several grocery bags, which I also carry in the children’s diaper bags. He used them to cover the stroller wheels and my affected shoe. We tossed everything into the truck and went on our merry way.

In the past, these poop disasters used to cause major meltdowns, arguments, and even tears. Today, with proper poop management, I think I’m just about ready for anything. Knock on wood.

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4 thoughts on “The Poop Chronicles

  1. Kim says:

    As a Registered Nurse of 23 years, I deem you, dear cousin, a high level medical specialist when it comes to the care, containment, and cleaning of baby, toddler, and animal poop! You could literally teach a class on it, including… most importantly… infection control related to the spreading of bacteria through poop contamination on surfaces and hands! You are the bomb mom! And your husband is the best!

    Like

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